ho hum.
so very stressed with uni already. all my subjects are really exciting and enjoyable, but each so hectic and feeling a tad whirlwind like. excited about doing a documentary for my film subject. ive never studied film making before, so its a huge learning curve and im trying to wrap my head around the terms and the camera, but ive found myself a cute group to collaborate with this semester. im suspecting we are all on a bit of the dorky side, which really works, im looking forward to working with them. in all, i think ive just got to stop dwelling on how much uni there is and just do it.
aside from uni, im becoming so very tired and really just extremely exhausted. im all work work work too. so when im not at uni, im at woolies and when im not at either of those places im trying to sleep. but then thats tough because i dont feel tired as such, just my body i guess, especially finishing work. bleh. oh poor me. violins! violins! but from this week on ive managed to charm myself into saturdays off! woooo. and working all day sunday. so thats a little bit extra money. money money money. thats what its about yo... blerg.
in my seemingly endless crusade for centerlink money, i was given a few options a while back. proving ive worked 15 hours a week for 2 years or applying for a mod y and inability to live at home. i tried to prove the first, but it turns out when i just finished school there were weeks i worked 14 or 13hrs and so in this merciless system of ours thats not enough. i was really annoyed at that, i stood in line at centerlink for god knows, and fuck i know i work my ass off... so im at a moral and ethical crossroads now. dramatic. i could apply for the mod y which has to do with circumstances at home being difficult. i think that i can reach this elusive money by doing this, but i feel guilty even thinking about it, when i have so much love for my parents. its disruptive at home and takes a toll on me, but i couldnt justify it to myself, especially when i am in no real physical harm. i think ive resolved to keep on working and seeing if i can make the $18,000 later this year.
house hunting- oh the roller coaster of emotions. applied for a beautiful house last week, full of hopes, samantha (lovely realestate lady) indeed heightened these hopes. we were first to apply and even brian collins of brian collins realestate himself loved us. but right under our noses another group applied and the land lord choose them because they held previous rental experience. oh what a crash. give us a go!! shesh. so went and saw another place yesterday in wilston. awesome awesome abode. close to loads of shops and a really spaced out house. great air and flow. sunroom, we are soo turning into our instrumental room with trippy lighting. wooden floors throughout... oh yes oh yes. such a turn on. brian our man showed us around and we applied for it quick smart. so we'll know by tuesday whether its a yay or nay. im hoping the universe is in it for us.
so im missing john more than i can express. i really want to wrap my arms around him. so tight. make sure we're never apart. i feel ill be able to deal with life just that much better with him. he really is a rock. so calm. and filters through my stressed ramblings. i realise how important it is for humans to have that perfect other. to have that closeness with another person. second self. physically, emotionally, spiritually. its such a cliche, but its true you know. it fills something inside of me. when i didnt have it, i thought i didnt need it. and its fine. when youve have just one moment with someone so true to you. you dont want life without. i just dont think im really doing justice trying to explain it. so i wont go any further.
im loving the martha wainwright album at the moment. it gives me goosebumps. her voice and her words. they are so personal and raw. i cant help but feel close to the songs. this song especially strikes a chord. because i fear at some point it will happen to me. we all doubt ourselves im sure. i have such a worry that im never enough. especially with john. sometimes its hard to get out of my head the insecurities i have of myself. and it does turn into a self hate. i question what is to be in a relationship as i hold onto that. luckily i dont feel that way all the time. it comes and it goes. im thinking its a normal feeling. i want to get into it. and mend.
"TV Show"
-Martha Wainwright
I'm not such a good lover
I'm a better talker
So when you touch me there
I'm scared that you'll see
Not the way that I don't love you
But the way that I don't love myself
And there are things these days
That can help you through a phase
Like food & health & fear
I prefer the beer
Not the way that I don't love you
But the way that I hate myself
Oh when the cityscape is born
From the ocean floor
It speaks its native tongue
Physical, subliminal
Not the way that it left you cold
But the way that you left yourself
When the Moon falls from the Earth
When the Sun, it fills its girth
And I know we'll go howl at the night
But still the sun will not hide our fight
Oh, I laugh a lot
But that's just a plot
I found a way to make the night stay
Not the way that I don't love you
But the way that I hate myself
It was OprahOn the TV show
She told me so
It was Oprah
On the TV show
She told me so
Ah, it was Oprah
On the TV show
She told me so
Not the way that I don't love you
But the way that I love myself
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